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A new adventure awaits …

It’s not easy nor desired to suggest we’re onto a “new” phase in our lives.

Moving to a new home

Starting school

Birthdays

Ann[death]iversaries

There always seems to be a new milestone

I measured the kids the other day and he grew 2 inches between May & November.  She grew 1.

Recently I closed on a home Cari & I once lived in

Not something we bought together but something we definitely enjoyed together … oh the stories that will never be retold

I thought maybe it would be something I held onto til these kids could one day use it

Although the thought of them using it the way we used it caused more gray hair and hair loss than I care to think about

But now it’s sold

And that’s not all a bad thing

Nor do I think it’s a new phase or next phase in our lives

It’s simply a noteworthy event

But the sale has offered up something new for us and our family

While this sale isn’t totally to thank for this new venture, it definitely played a part

Mostly thanks to our GC’s we’re on our way to owning a family destination that I hope we enjoy for years to come

I’m super excited about this

It’s one of those bucket list items

And I think it will be awesome for us and our family

A place to go, away from the norm

Something to enjoy.  Somewhere to relax.

It can’t happen soon enough and summer can’t get here quick enough either … 🙂

All I Want For Christmas …

His list (spelled his way)

#1 – Droid with screan (screen)
#2 – Hearo (Hero) Click
#3 – See Mommy …

So I ask him to read me his list.

I have no idea what he’s written.

He lists #1 & #2, then he pauses.

He says, I know this one probably isn’t possible …

“See Mommy”

Ugh.  Sigh.  @#$% @#$%^^  @#$%^ @$$^&&*

God Dammit

Really?

I wish that was possible

I so wish this wasn’t even an issue

Poor him.  Poor her.

This shouldn’t be an issue

This wouldn’t have been an issue if that day never happened

I hate this .. and I hate the word “hate”, but I HATE THIS SO MUCH

She should be here

He shouldn’t have to even worry about these things

AGGGHHHHH

I love him so much.  He’s such a good, sweet, awesome little kid.

My heart breaks for them 🙁

Re-Telling our story

They have a lot of innocence

But as they get older, as we get older, that innocence fades away

I’m asked to fill out forms nearly every time we sign up for something

One section asks for the father’s information, another section the mother’s

I hers I write DECEASED … in big bold letters

When I recently went to a new Dr I had to explain things all over to this person

I had to tell my story

Not every details is easy

Sometimes the person listening to the story is even more emotional than me

That seems to happen more often than not

These forms that I fill out, I figure the instructor or teacher or whoever actually reads them

I’m always hoping they do so that they at least are aware

So that E or C doesn’t have to retell their story, like in the middle of the class or on the playground

But often that’s not the case

Those forms aren’t read

And then they’re put in a situation where they have to tell their story

For her it’s not easy

She doesn’t want to tell the story

Or at least it’s not easy for her

I thought most people already knew, that most kids already knew

But evidently they don’t

And she’s apparently faced with the question way more often than I ever thought

So we talked about this

I want her to feel okay talking about it or at least have the ability to respond to these kids or adults with an acceptable response

I don’t want her to sound defensive or feel like she’s put on the defensive

So we talked about what she can say

Simply put … “I don’t want to talk about this or I don’t feel like talking about that”

She wanted to say … “It’s none of your business” … which if that’s what she wants to say, okay with me

I think she understood though and seemed to feel better

He was also faced with this question recently, from an adult, an instructor, nonetheless …

PLEASE READ THESE FORMS THAT I FILL OUT … JESUS (and this is religious school too, pun intended)

What’s the point of us filling them out if they’re not reading them ????????

But he had a response

And he told his story

And he told me that he told his story

And he told me that his story made his teacher cry

And he told this story in front of his class (ugh)

Sigh …

But this conversation brought out in my daughter how she felt about telling her story

About how telling her story was not something she liked to do

7 years, 4 months and about 13 days later and this is where we are

This is death and grief

This is a part of our daily lives

Grief

It just sneaks up on you when you’re not expecting it

Lately I’ve had to tell my story to a few people, my “whole” story

And that always opens up some wounds

They heal up pretty easily, however

My grief is my own grief

I’m convinced it’s different for everyone

I don’t mind talking about her, ever

I mind, however, people thinking they can’t talk about her to me

You can

I also mind people thinking their way of grieving is the same as mine

It’s not

It doesn’t necessarily upset me, I just don’t want to hear your opinion of your grief

I grieve my way, and that’s what works for me

Today, however grief struck me from one of my kids

I’m not exactly certain how the topic came up

It was early morning, while we were getting ready for our first soccer game of the day

I mentioned meeting someone (theoretically) and getting married one day

He said in these exact words, “I don’t want a new mom that I have to kiss”

And his eyes began to water, his face was sad, it was real emotion

Wow!

So we talked a bit about it

He also said, “I want our family to stay how it is”

And that he of course wished that Cari was here

This didn’t open any of my wounds

But it showed to me that their grief is real, it’s raw, and it’s definitely alive and present in them

Life 🙁 Sigh….

I love them so much

Otherwise …

He learned to tie his shoes, and how to tie a square knot

She decided to play the cello in the orchestra

And picture day was this week.  So CUTE!

Pics Of Us

We don’t often get pictures of the 3 of us.  Usually because I’m the one holding the camera.

I regret that.

For every 100 I take of them, there’s 1 of us.

Every now and again we’ll get a selfie, but we don’t often enough have someone else take it for us.

But this one’s a keeper 😉

Yet for some reason at this event, the past few years, we do pretty well at having our picture taken … 2015

… 2013

… 2011