Slow Down * Enjoy Life

I have a hard time knowing what to believe.

That day we were getting ready to deliver flyers in lagrange during the pet parade, we drove up to the house and our wedding song was on the radio and a “white” dove was in the tree above us.  I can’t explain that and will never forget it.

The random dimes I still find all over the place, usually in the most unusual of places.  I can’t explain that.

The butterflies.  The one that landed on me.  The one that recently landed on a a relative.  I can’t explain those.

And then this.  On the morning of, not the day before, not the day after, and not more than one … a single flower bloomed on the plant that her mom gave to us.  A plant that has been split through numerous generations.  I cannot explain.

I shared the photo with all of the friends who msg’d me, called or sent us flowers yesterday.  Many of them said it made them cry.

I thought yesterday would play out a little different.  There’s one thing we didn’t do but hopefully we’ll take care of that this week.  But otherwise our weekend was packed none stop.

For the 3rd year since, including the year it happened, the weather on May 19th has been exceptionally nice.  Not just nice, but literally amazing.  Nothing but sun.  No rain, no clouds, just warm and sunny. Would I rather it be rainy?  I don’t know.  I know some people would rather it be that way and that makes a lot of sense.  Should it be a day we enjoy when there’s so much about this day that is beyond sad, beyond words?

It was a busy day, however.  Farm for her in the morning, I took him to the store.  Playing outside all day in the yard; slip-n-slide and sprinkler included.  Then we went to our friend j&b’s.  I love them.  Although we have many great friends they were some of our closest.  We did so much with them during our post-college city-living years.  Not only that but their boy is just 4 months older than E and their daughter 4 months older than C.  Crazy.  It was nice to spend time with them.  I really wish we just lived around the block from each other.  I wish we lived around the block from all our friends, but it would be nice to be by them.  When they called on Thursday asking us to come over I was hesitant.  I knew what going out with friends on this day might mean … lots of emotions.  But it wasn’t all that bad.  The kids are a real diversion.  They give us barely a minute to focus on the issue.  We stayed late, had a great dinner, the kids had tons of fun and both passed out on the way home.

Today wasn’t all that different.  Breakfast @ dunkin donuts.  Eating out, btw, a huge step for me.  Until recently I’ve completely avoided it.  But breakfast isn’t that bad.  Especially if we don’t have to wait.  In quick, food right away (and they usually eat everything) and then out in maybe 30 minutes.  It’s the meals where we have to wait to get in, wait for food, that I won’t touch with the kids.  Nevertheless I think those restaurant visits are a big step for me.  But back to today, we took the bike to DD, then headed out for about a 5 mile ride thru LG and LGP before ending up and one of the parks we occasionally visit.  Two kids totaling about 75 lbs in the back of my bike is pretty heavy, especially when headed into the wind.  After that we headed to another friends for most of the day, had a lot of fun, and again they passed out on the way home and are both sleeping on the couch next to me as I type.

So yet another year has passed and as one of my friends said “I know there is this gaping hole, but they are magnificent … somehow thriving in the midst of it.”  Those are my simply amazing children.  And they ARE absolutely amazing.  They are great kids.  I couldn’t ask for anything more from the two of them.  Even with the questions they ask, the absolutely enormous void in their lives, they are someone genuinely good kids.  As soon as she was born and again when we was, we knew in our marriage that our love for these two was above even the love we had for each other.  Not that it diminished anything between us, we just knew that there was something about these two … probably what most parents feel about their own children but now that we’re where we are today, it’s even more evident in my life.  My love for them is impenetrable.

there’s not a single day that i don’t think about her

and not a single week goes by that the kids do ask about her

it’s no doubt just about the MOST difficult topic

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“we’re celebrating mother’s day this week” one of the teachers at preschool says.  ”should we do anything different for your daughter?” the questions were unanticipated.  i really couldn’t answer.  i know she will be okay.  i think she’ll be okay.  i’m probably worse just trying to answer the questions than she is dealing with a week of classroom activities

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i think about writing often but i just don’t do it.  feb 3rd is the last time i wrote.   sigh…

there’s a lot that has happened just in the past few months let along these 3 years

he’s getting so big.  last summer his speech exploded and it hasn’t stopped.  ”th” is the hardest but i think we’ve finally got it.  it’s actually pretty cute getting him to use his tongue to get out that sound.

he’s just about potty trained. yay! although we do still have our accidents like wetting thru the pullup onto my comforter.  argh!  i guess that just means a new comforter for me.  bedtimes, btw, more than often result in all three of us together on my bed.  does that mean if things were different that there would be 4 of us on the bed or would someone, namely me, be sleeping on the floor or couch?

he’s an awesome little kid.  his facial expressions alone, those big brown eyes…  i just luv him so much.  cute as could be.  but he has a wild side too.  him and is sister will be fighting over something one minute and then playing great the next.  sharing is tough for little kids.

he’s definitely a boy … loves sports.  i’ve got him in swim lessons and then plan to sign him up for tball & basketball this summer.  that should be a lot of fun.  we went to a friend’s daughters tball game the other day and he wanted so bad to go onto the field with them; he’s only 3 and they’re 5 but he didn’t care.  i can toss him a ball and he can hit it with a regular bat no problem.  that seems pretty good for a 3 year old.  and he’s been doing it for months.  at christmas santa got him a set of youth golf clubs.  the biggest challenge is to keep him from swinging it around other people.  he’s not too bad at hitting the ball.  i’ll b taking him to the driving range soon

she’s growing up too.  today was her preschool graduation; off to kindergarten next year.  the graduation was really cute.  lots of songs including this one song where each kid would answer the question “there will always be …” while one of the teachers sang the question.  her answer was ‘american girl dolls’.  ;)  oh well.  it was cute and it got a laugh.  the overall song was really cute though, make most people shed a couple tears, including myself.  after we got home, granted she was tired, she was sad that she would miss her friends

she also just finished a session of ballet which ended with an amazingly cute ballet recital.  hip hop dance ends soon with another show.  tomorrow preschool ends with a show by the kids too so lots of cute stuff going on.  she’s signed up for irish dance this summer and has swimming lessons too.

we’ve been working on reading and she’s doing good.  i think if we worked on it every day she’d have it down pat.  but she knows a ton of numbers and can do some adding and subtracting which is awesome.

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her and i talk often about cari.  i think i do a decent job answering her questions.  she watches a lot of video of cari.  i like that she does that.  i think it helps remind her who she was.

those questions are hard but the unexpected one from him, the first time he asked, man that was tough.  he had never said anything before.  one day he just asked.  i’ve been answering her questions for a while now so questions from him are something new and it’s only the beginning, i’m sure

it sucks so bad that she isn’t here for this.  she would be LOVING it.  no doubt.  she’d just be enjoying everything that these two little ones bring to me on a daily basis.  she’s missing out on so much and they the same.  things would be different, there’s no doubt about that.  i’m just hoping that i’m keeping things as close as possible to how they would have been

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the house is 4 sale.  again.  this time for real, it’s gotta sell this time.  i think it will be more a relief than anything once we move but i’m dreading the move.  packing & unpacking, organizing and tossing all sorts of stuff … i just want to get it over with so i can stop thinking about it.

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with all that we’ve been through, that i’ve been through, that the kids have been through … all i want for us is health, peace, & happiness for many many many years to come.

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we would not be dealing with everything like we are if we didn’t have the help around us.  our family is amazing and our friends are really great.  thank you all so very much.  there are a few people that have done so much for me and the kids.  without them this job, this full time job of raising these little ones, would have been impossible

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b sure to always remind yourself that life is too short and you should want to see as much of the world as possible … be kind to each other … do good for our world … and love the ones close to you

star light star bright, first star I see tonight, i wish a may, wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight …

i’m not going to tell you what i wished though daddy

… but i will say … she’s pretty and has brown hair …

after that i received the biggest, longest, most sincere hug i ever received from her

i had just put her in her car seat and buckled her in

after a few seconds i pulled away and she pulled me bad

i did this half a dozen times

tears were in her eyes

how are you supposed to respond to that

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today she turned 5

she had a birthday celebration at school. we brought chocolate and vanilla cup cakes.  she decorated a poster and brought a couple books and titi and gs with her to read the books.

tonight we had a family party @ gs’s.  she got some clothes for herself, clothes for marie grace, makeup, nail polish, a few other things, and a pink barbie mustang ride on – she was super excited and we had to go outside and try it out b4 pizza, b4 cake and b4 opening any other presents

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@ dinner the conversation of marriage vs staying unmarried came up.  gs said something to me about the next time i get married.  then someone said he’s not getting married again…that’s probably the truth but who knows (my response to the unmarried couple in the corner … you have to do it at least once).  a few people commented on  how people change when they get married.  the question of whether we changed after getting married was directed to me.  honestly, i don’t think things changed at all, certainly not for the worse.  the main difference was we had kids and couldn’t do everything we did before.  unless i’m totally forgetting how things were i truly believe that things just got better.  sure there were minor struggles but who’s not going to have that kind of stuff.  but we as individuals didn’t change.  i think that’s the kind of thing that made what we had so very special

He turned 3 on Sunday.  Happy Birthday!!!

He really wanted a motorized car; mainly because that’s what his sister wants, I think.  I was focused on getting that for him but was convinced the day before that he didn’t need it.  So I opted for something a little less and that turned out to be fine.  I thought before that we had too many toys, now we really don’t have any room.  And we still have the party with their friends this Saturday.  Hopefully most of those presents will be clothes or gift cards.  Maybe someday we’ll move and have more room for this stuff

It wasn’t an easy week leading up to his bday.  Both were sick for the 3rd time this winter.  This one the worst.  He threw up in the car wednesday night (GROSS) and she started with it the next night.  Fevers too.  There were bad dreams, chills, could hardly keep any food/drink down … it was no fun!  Fortunately they both felt relatively better sunday, just in time for his birthday party with the fam.

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They like to play pretend games where she is the mommy or he is daddy but earlier in the week that playtime prompted the question of who really is his mommy.  He wasn’t sure.  He told me grandma is my mommy.  I guess that’s expected.  This one’s going to be tough.  Tough in a similar but different way from how it’s been with her.  Sigh….

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I never used to be a light sleeper.  I shouldn’t be awake right now.  It drove Cari nuts that E would be crying away and I would sleep right through it.  Today she and I fell asleep on the couch.  Around 1a she got up from the other couch and came over to me.  I was awake as soon as her feet hit the floor.  I wish I could be a deep sleeper again.  Maybe some day.

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I think I had a dream about Cari the other day.  I’m pretty convinced I did but sometimes those things, life in general, just blur together.

I think it was Friday night when the kids were at their sickest.  I’m sitting there in the doorway to our downstairs bathroom while E isn’t feeling well when I can’t help but wonder what this very moment would have been like if things were different.  I imagined that I would still be sitting there with her.  That Cari would be with him.  That while the kids being sick was far from fun that at least with the two of us it would be a little easier.  And now that I’m thinking more about this it’s likely that there would be at least another child in the mix … that’s crazy to think about … the what-if’s …

your birthday, christmas, and then the anniversary all within 3 weeks.  the holidays can’t go by fast enough

it should have been 6 years today, instead we only had 3 … and 3 without you

maybe that’s why i’m in a bad mood today.  although i really think it’s bcuz i’m super tired.  a late night monday.  an even longer night tuesday with a sick boy who had a fever, maybe a sore throat, and threw up on me (and it wasn’t just a little spit-up) … thank goodness i don’t have a weak stomach.  however, it’s 8:30p and both of them are asleep so i should probably do the same.

a few people e-mailed me today, that was nice (al, meg).  like usual i wish it didn’t have to be this way, but it was nice of them to remember

the other day someone was talking about doing a destination wedding so i talked to them about ours.  since ours was so amazing i think i have her sold on it, and i think i found your mom some business too!  it was pretty amazing though, wasn’t it???  i wouldn’t have done it any other way

crazy how things have changed so much since then, in just 6 short years.  what does that mean for the next 6?!?!?!?

well, today is just another day, right?  just another 4th of January.  i would rather be somewhere warm than here, that’s for sure.  or somewhere i wouldn’t have to worry about things for one whole day … i would take that too

i started reading a book, water for elephants.  they made it into a movie that came out this year but i wanted to read it first.  i wish the person that told me about the book, who i can’t remember, would have told me how the thing started out.  i probably would have skipped the book & movie too.  one line in the first chapter went like this, ‘being the survivor stinks’.  why am i reading a book that starts out like that?

anyways … just miss ya a ton

my fav pic

i love how we could make each other laugh, regardless of the situation

c is starting to talk more about mommy, or lack thereof.  another challenge!

tonight i brought e upstairs to get dressed.  she’s becoming pretty independent, doing a lot of things on her own.  i left her up there and she didn’t come back down for about 15 mins.  when she did she had side ponytails and a flower barrette in her hair

oh, and c asked me tonight if i had hot sauce, what for, for when i say a bad word, who gives you hot sauce, gs gives it to me when i say a bad word, do you like how it tastes, no it takes like mustard