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Grief

It just sneaks up on you when you’re not expecting it

Lately I’ve had to tell my story to a few people, my “whole” story

And that always opens up some wounds

They heal up pretty easily, however

My grief is my own grief

I’m convinced it’s different for everyone

I don’t mind talking about her, ever

I mind, however, people thinking they can’t talk about her to me

You can

I also mind people thinking their way of grieving is the same as mine

It’s not

It doesn’t necessarily upset me, I just don’t want to hear your opinion of your grief

I grieve my way, and that’s what works for me

Today, however grief struck me from one of my kids

I’m not exactly certain how the topic came up

It was early morning, while we were getting ready for our first soccer game of the day

I mentioned meeting someone (theoretically) and getting married one day

He said in these exact words, “I don’t want a new mom that I have to kiss”

And his eyes began to water, his face was sad, it was real emotion

Wow!

So we talked a bit about it

He also said, “I want our family to stay how it is”

And that he of course wished that Cari was here

This didn’t open any of my wounds

But it showed to me that their grief is real, it’s raw, and it’s definitely alive and present in them

Life :( Sigh….

I love them so much

Otherwise …

He learned to tie his shoes, and how to tie a square knot

She decided to play the cello in the orchestra

And picture day was this week.  So CUTE!

Pics Of Us

We don’t often get pictures of the 3 of us.  Usually because I’m the one holding the camera.

I regret that.

For every 100 I take of them, there’s 1 of us.

Every now and again we’ll get a selfie, but we don’t often enough have someone else take it for us.

But this one’s a keeper ;)

Yet for some reason at this event, the past few years, we do pretty well at having our picture taken … 2015

… 2013

… 2011

Recent insomnia

One week in and already sick with something.

I caught some puke on the hand and arm.  GROSS.  Happy birthday to me

Ugh

He felt way better after getting that out of his system but 4 hours later and just puked again

Poor guy

Poor me

Oh, it’s 1:11 am

1:11 or 11:11 or 1111 or any variation

I see this combination of numbers more than an other

I don’t see 2:22 or 222 or 3:33 or 333, just bunches of 1′s

Weird

I’ve read about this number sequence and there are def some crazy theories out there

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I can deal with sick kids

I don’t enjoy it but I can deal with it

I knew it was something today

He fell asleep in the car, unexpectedly

He barely got off the couch

He just wasn’t himself

Hopefully this is quick and he’s ‘mostly’ better in the morning

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As of late I really haven’t been able to sleep

Whatever caused my pancreas to stop working properly and my inability to tackle this issue early on really f@#$ my shit up

My nerves are shot … all over my body

So far only jumping in the show helps to calm things for a bit

Jumping in the pool or anything that might irritate my skin … it’s not a fun feeling

I want to be invincible, or at least free from this garbage

I want to be healthy and able to deal with life’s shit

I’m sort of okay with this disease.  I wish I didn’t have to deal with it but there are certainly worse things

And we are ALL going to have to deal with something

This is just mine … unfortunately … and this is what I have to live with

In time … it should and will get better

Something new might arise but we’ll face that when we get there

Just doing what I can …

Now, maybe I can get some sleep

Someone recommended hot tea … let’s go try that ;)

Into that school routine …

I think this is going to be a looonnnggggg year …

ISO (in search of … I had to look up that meaning) someone to :
- Make their lunches every day
- Pull them out of bed
- Feed them breakfast
- Get them dressed and out the door
- Drive them around to activities after school
- Get them in the shower
- And fold my laundry

I think if there were things I wanted off my plate, those would be it

I don’t know what it is about having to make lunches in the morning or folding laundry but those two items are on the bottom of my list of things I want to do

And while I do make them lunches every day, I have at least three loads of laundry that were once folded but are now in piles throughout our upstairs

Sigh …

And I’m fully convinced I’ve overcommitted these kids

I’m glad they’re in school but I miss not having to set my alarm

I have them in soccer and baseball and piano and tumbling

Then there’s religious ed

And a bunch of after school extra curriculars that I signed them up for

And somehow I’m supposed to work

And find time to sleep

12:58 am here and I just published some work and I feel like I’m far from falling asleep

… I need to go to bed but they are both stretched out over mine.  They move.  They kick.  They are not very much fun to sleep with.  And their beds are not comfortable so what to do … sleep on the couch I suppose

And so it begins again …

4th and 2nd grade.  It’s hard to believe

I’ve been tackling this thing now for 7+ years.  Unthinkable

We mostly have good days.  They’ve definitely grown and matured.

I think we’re still figuring each other out.  Maybe, i guess.  I mean, they’re changing all the time.  Me?  I’m well just trying to survive.

I think we’re making progress though, positive progress.  Like trying not to get on each other’s nerves, although they’re really good at getting on each others.  And that gets on mine and it’s a vicious circle.  But when that calms down all is good.

We’ve got so much going on to start this year.

Soccer.  Tumbling.  Baseball.  Piano.  Religious Ed.  School + Homework + All that.  What else?

Oh, I decided I could coach his soccer team?  As if I have time for that.

It should be fun though.  And she will likely help me … I hope!

I’m actually co-coaching so hopefully it won’t be too bad.

But sigh … I wish all was great.

They said I need to take care of myself first.  I thought I was but I guess I wasn’t

It’s been a tough 5 years.  And a tough past 2+ months on top of that.

I guess I can blame some on genetics.  But I guarantee stress is a leading factor.

I’m pretty optimistic with this though.

I definitely don’t look too negatively upon it.  But it is added stress.

Tears come easy when I think about me/this.

Maybe tears are good though.  Maybe there’s some relief in them.

Anyways, I’m trying to and hopefully will figure things out.  No more procrastinating.

Healthy Living / Healthy Eating … tonight I ate hummus, grilled chicken and a sweet potato.  Go me!

I thought I would use this place more as an outlet.  Maybe sometimes I do.  I wish I kept more on top of documenting our lives.  But hopefully I do that in photos so that failing to write isn’t really that much of a failure at all … hoping that’s true.

So with a new school year we’re sure to have plenty of new experiences and challenges, hopefully lots more good than bad this time around.

Looking forward to a Disney trip in just under two months.  And the kids really want another tropical vacation.  I better start working more!

Oh yea, and then I thought I’d mention … Online Dating.  I mostly do it for entertainment.  An ego boost at times.

Recently this girl who I went on a date with once, maybe 3 years ago (or maybe 2), connected with me again.

I only connected with her just for curiosity.  She’s hot but I’m far from interested.

So she says to me that when we met I was too new to this single parenting thing.  What does that matter?  4 years in?  I suppose.  Is that why we didn’t connect?  How would I be different today?  I’m not.  And I’m def still not interested…but thank you.  Anyways, I kind of took offense and un-liked her … again, which felt good! ;)

I’m not so sure about this online dating thing … or dating at all at the moment … maybe I’ll find someone when I’m 40 … that isn’t too far away these days …