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Our Closet

Worked late tonight.  Well more like sat at my desk and didn’t do anything for an extra 4+ hours.  I’m not so sure why I decided it was necessary to be there.  I mean, there sort of was a reason but … anyways

So I got home late.  The kids stayed at Grandma’s.  Last night the same thing. 

Last night I thought maybe I would take care of one of my million tasks.  Instead I fell asleep on the couch.

Tonight, home later, but somewhat-sorta-motivated to do something. 

So I attacked the closet.

It was very SAD

Except for my stuff it’s remained unchanged, unaltered.  I’m afraid removing the stuff will impact my lil girl.  That was one reason I left it as it.  The other being that it’s just one of those tasks I would rather put off…forever!  I guess we’ll see how she does with it.

Months ago I found these vacuum storage bags at costco.  The box has been sitting at the entrance to the closet ever since.

But tonight I did it.  So many times I wanted to stop.  But I kept going.  I knew that if I stopped I would just have to get back to it again. 

So all her clothes are now packaged away.  It was not a fun activity.  It doesn’t feel good to have removed it from my list.  It didn’t feel much different keeping everything in there, having to see it each and every day 🙁  It was lose-lose

The missing dog food bowl

Since Friday I’ve been without one of our two dog food bowls. 

At first I was just piling the dog food on the floor but that was drawing questionable expressions from a few people so today I replaced it with a small bowl from the kitchen.

At first I didn’t look very hard for it but as the days passed it became apparent that I needed to look a little harder.

I still haven’t found it.  So where did it go???

Did one of the kids walk off with it and leave it somewhere?  Did the dog push it somewhere?  Could C have really picked it up and dropped it in the trash?

The latter actually seems like it might be the most likely.  However, the dish is pretty heavy.  Up until a few minutes ago I thought no way he picked the thing up, opened up the trash can and dropped it in.  I mean, besides the weight of the bowl, the lid to the garbage is just above his head so he not only has to pick this thing up and drop it in but open up the lid too.

I was just making some dinner while C was playing with the replacement bowl and the one bowl that was left.  Before I knew it he picked up the replacement bowl, opened the garbage can and tried to drop it in.  I guess that’s where the other bowl went.

The other day I did notice that the garbage bag was heavier than usual.  I suppose I could go search through the garbage for it … but digging through a combination of dirty diapers and other items really isn’t top on my list of things to do.  Guess I need to make a trip to the pet store.

Her first bike


Thanks to her grandma & aunties we now have our 1st bike.  She picked up riding with relative ease … but where’s the helmet ??!!!!

The recent warm weather, 60 yesterday and up to 70 the next couple days, the kids finally get to be outside.  C, now referred to as C-Baby, walked yesterday until he just didn’t have the energy to walk any more.  He’s a walking maniac.  Barely a month ago he was still crawling.

I didn’t get to experience her first ride but she did it for me when I went to pick her up last night.  I put on the helmet and the buckle pinched her neck.  Crap!  She wasn’t happy but we got past it.

It’s like 4.30a and I should totally be sleeping but something woke me up and then i started thinking about a bunch of pending legal stuff and couldn’t go back to sleep.  Ugh.  And then there’s my job and this open director of it position.  I just don’t know about that thing … i always said i didn’t want my bosses job as he created such a poor environment for himself and anyone to follow.  i think i’m at the point where i’m just going to pass on the opportunity and let someone else come in and fix the mess.


I haven’t written much lately 🙁 

9 months today.  YUCK! 

A benefit for the kids last night, completely organized by a local family, was a nice success.  They brought recognition to us and raised funds for the kids.  I was pleased by the turnout.  I would have liked to see additional publicity, especially in La Grange, but I can’t complain.  They created t-shirts with Cari’s name on it and fliers to promote the event.  Everyone involved wore one of our wristbands.  I don’t know if I gave them 100 or 200 but they used all but a handful.  What an awesome show of support for our family and the significance of our loss.

I received a package yesterday but didn’t open it until this morning…

IMG_0264_1  IMG_0265_1

It brought some tears.  A very thoughtful gift.

I decided to work on a small project recently.  I wanted to do it around christmas time and then before valentines day but I just couldn’t find the time.  I bought some wood letters from a craft store intending to spell out merry christmas mommy, displaying it along the street in the location she was taken from us.  But christmas passed and unfortunately so did v-day but I realized that with those letters I could also spell out we miss mommy.  So I tried to be a little crafty, painted the letters, attached them together with some other materials from the craft store and put it up on the tree yesterday afternoon.  (I should probably get a picture).  Unfortunately while I was putting it up I broke the WE.  At least it broke then instead of some day down the road.  So I removed the we and left ‘miss mommy’.  It seems to still work.  Maybe one day in the future I’ll change it up a bit.  But for now the tree is affixed with bouquets of flowers, some pictures & notes, and now this message.

The village president of La Grange continues to put little emphasis on public safety.  A recent board meeting reiterated not only her lack of interest in the issue but her unfortunate opinion that the citizens within the community are incapable and that the skill set of her staff far outperform anything a passionate citizen can do –

1 year ago today we had a 1-month old baby boy and were trying to figure out how to care for two little ones.  Never would I have imagined being here today.

Yesterday someone else reached out to me.  A childhood friend of Cari’s.  A friendship that had gone in different directions because of high school & college.  But a bond that had the potential of becoming something strong again, even after so many years apart.  “She truly was one of my best friends.  We lost touch for a while when she switched high-schools and we spoke occasionally throughout high-school and college.  I deeply regret the time that we lost.  But when we got back in contact with each other, it was like nothing had changed and time had not passed.  I cannot tell you the joy I found in an old friend, the old Cari, as well as the joy I found in getting to know the new part of Cari (the role she had as a wife and Mom).  We had both taken on these roles and it was great to share the experiences and our new lives with each other.  The great part about it was that we just picked up where we left off as if the time had not passed!  I was so truly excited, touched, and blessed to have her back in my life!”

Damn!  It’s hard to read that.  I hope she doesn’t mind me including that here.  It’s just really touching and I didn’t want to lose track of it.

As for me … I’m trying to make it to the gym as often as possible and it’s been 7 full days since having a drink of pop … not a lent thing or anything just my decision that I need to give up one form of caffine.  I really wanted to have a coke today.

It’s not any easier

Maybe someday it will be.  But it’s one thing to deal with the grief part yet so much more to raise two babies on my own.

She’s the only person that can provide me with what i need right now.  There’s no one else around me who can.  It’s complicated.  She’s simply irreplaceable.

Today the kids are both sick.  I was supposed to attempt a dual b-day party for them at the house but I canceled it.  They’re miserable.  And that’s taking its toll on me too.  I’m not sure what I was thinking contemplating a party at the house.  If the weather was warm that would be one thing.  But I don’t have the space for more than a handful of people.

Not sure what news channel I had on this morning.  I think it might have been abc.  Well they played this thing called your three words.  I’m not sure why I watched it.  Usually I just shut that crap off.  However I watched and the last one was … ‘donated my liver, saved my life’.  It was touching.  It made me think about our situation; my wife & kids.  I still need to find words to put on this memorial plaque so I’ve already been looking for words…

‘gave my life, saved our kids’

I don’t know. I still need to figure out what to write on the plaque. Have been bouncing around a lot of ideas but maybe it will be something along those lines.  A lot was lost here.  It was just a young life, but a mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter, cousin … future aunt, grandma.  And those are just some of her titles.  There was so much more.   How do I express that in 4 lines and a limited number of characters?

Another rough night.  Limited sleep.  Sick kids.  No break.  Ugh!