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November, 2009:

Last night

Another dream.  It’s been weighing on my shoulders all day. 

It’s been a while since I had one.  This one seemed different than the rest.

It was about her and she was there.  She was physically there.  But it involved a topic somewhat unrelated to all the experiences past and present.  She was alive but only had a predetermined time to live.  In the dream we had to deal with that particular situation.

I don’t remember all the details but I do know that when I woke up I was once again faced with my unfortunate reality.

I literally just walked outside moments ago.  It’s late fall.  It’s 10:30p in Chicago.  It’s cold.  The leaves have fallen from the trees and have been cleared from the grass.  The kids are at the in-laws to make going into the office tomorrow a little less inconvenient.  An incredible feeling of emptiness passed through me as I walked through the yard.  I wish you were here.

I need her here.  But I think I need those dreams just as much … even if they place me in an unexpected emotional state.

Small things REALLY do matter

E is still sick but hopefully recovering.  Thankfully it seems like whatever it is hasn’t passed on to the rest of us … knock on wood.  It’s been a difficult few days.  Fortunately lil guy is at the in-laws giving me one less thing to worry about.

I’m at home today, like usual, but E is here with me.  We went out for a little to take care of some random errands.  An hour or so later I received a message from a friend.  She said her sister left a cooler of dinners outside my door.  The cooler contained a couple fresh, ready to cook, meals and a few frozen “fresh” dinners. 

Nearly 6 months later, with the pain so real yet just not quite as fresh, for someone, anyone, to go out of their way like this … means so much to me.

It’s hard to come up with the words to describe what she did.

I rarely ask for help.  I’m set on getting through as much of this as I can.  These last few days, with a sick lil one, have been very difficult.  It’s one thing to have a sick child but another to be doing it on your own and living with this grief. 

Nearly 6 months later.  All those people who said … anything you need.  All those people who appeared to care (of course some really do) … have gone back to their ‘regular’ lives.  From all those people … there’s this one and the others who have went way above what is expected.  For you, for all the others … thank you!

A belly ache, a fever

A belly ache.  A fever.  A friend visited last night.  I hope we didn’t either get this from them … or worse give it to them.   We talked about the flu, getting those shots that are talked about all over the media and a recent illness her son had.  How he had thrown up a few times but thankfully he hadn’t eaten that much at the time.  I told her that we’ve yet to experience that here.  Then sure enough, as if I was asking for it to happen to us, E did the same thing as we prepared for bed.

She complained of a belly ache which I, at the time, associated it to going potty.  A few minutes later we discovered that was indeed not the problem.  🙁

Of course then I begin to worry.  One of my bigger fears began to unfold.  For some reason, perhaps the same, C won’t fall asleep and E is obviously not feeling well.  I’m alone.  It’s 8.30ish.  Nobody lives near.  The few people I called either can’t come over or won’t answer the phone.  Shit!

I really do try to keep the kids away from appearant signs of illness.  So where did this come from?  Soccer?  Family?  Friends?  Me?  And now what do I do about it?

It’s one thing to have a team of people at times like this and another to be alone.  I really need that team.  The one friend I spoke with would have come over, she even offered, had she not already gone out for the night.  My P’s won’t answer the phone or my texts.  It sucks to have to pick up the phone to call for help.  I need it right here, available at a seconds notice.  I don’t mind taking care of one, but dealing with 2 at the same time …

So it’s morning and we’re still fighting the fever.  C left with grandma for a little while.  This isn’t easy

Making Memories of Us

Keith Urban – Be Here – 2004

Our wedding song

More on this topic at another date …

I just happened to be downloading some new songs to her Zune tonight.  I should be in bed but I probably had a little too much mocha frap to help get me through the bedtime rituals.  I was actually close to, and totally could have, passing out 2 hours ago.  But I needed to do a few things and dragged myself off the bed.


As I stood in line waiting to pick up my chinese food last night, I probably wanted to find a related article when I opened up the local suburban life paper sitting on the table.  Maybe something more powerful than me brought me to this location on this particular day.

It’s been nearly 6 MONTHS.  I’m up and down all the time; started the week okay but it didn’t last.  Therapy yesterday did it’s usual damage of opening up wounds I’ve attempted to conceal.

So there I am, the last one left at Moy Goy.  It’s decent chinese, not the best in chicagoland, but the best I have found in the immediate area.  The suburban life paper sitting on the table in the corner.  This isn’t the first time I’ve scanned the paper in this very restaurant having run across a related article.  But 6 months out I wouldn’t suspect finding a story that mentions her name and mentions my kids as well.

I just wanted to scream.  Instead a few tears rolled down my cheek.  I did my best to hold it back.  The therapy session earlier in the day had already got me going.  Why was there an article on this particular day?  Why did I decide to open up the paper?  I didn’t really need another reminder.

I also think I dreamed of it last night.  I’m actually pretty sure I did.  I just can’t remember the specifics this morning.  So today is probably going to be a long one.