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December, 2009:

Can I call Mommy?


So this morning E asks for Auntie Titi’s phone so that she can call Mommy.

She asks, “Are you going to stay in Heaven?”

She says, “My Mommy called me and she’s going to come here.”

She asks me and Auntie (Auntie first), “What’s wrong, are you said?”  Auntie says, “I have something in my eye.”  Then she sees me and asks me the same question.  She finished each question up by telling Mommy about us having something in our eyes and how it makes us laugh.

I asked Auntie if she ever did this before because it seemed so random and unprovoked.  She said this is the first time for her.

Holiday Wishes 2009

The words of a very good friend …

Twas just days before X-mas
And all through the land
Folks are scurrying about
With their holiday treasures in hand.

I sit and I look
At another year gone by
I take moment to think
Reflect and can’t help but just sigh….

The world has moved on
New president and era is born
With high hopes for change
Including healthcare reform.

My town unfortunately lost
A 2016 Olympic bid
But I feel the city still to me
In my heart will always win.

We’ve lost Michael, Farrah
And dear old Pat
But most importantly I tear up as I think
How I lost someone so dear to my heart.

She’ll forever be close
As her spirit lives on
But can’t help but miss her
When I again realize one of my best friends is gone.

Despite my deep sadness
My family has been blessed
My brother got married
And our new extended family is just the best.

A new sister-in-law, she came
with a nephew and niece
My very own sister had a baby
Can’t get enough of our new dear little Abbi.

This year my heart felt pain,
And sadness and joy,
It’s funny you’re never too old
To let your heart continue to grow.

I say it each year
How lucky I am
Amazingly loving family
And nothing but the best of friends.

So come on it’s not hard
You can figure it out
Even the Grinch and Scrooge
Realized what it is all about.

So come on and help me spread some love
And holiday cheer
Merry Christmas
Happy Holidays
Happy Hanukkah
And a fantastic and fun filled New Year!


P.S. I got through 2 paragraphs and had to stop reading … so this is just a copy / paste.  I’m going to have to get back to it when I’m in a more appropriate location.

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday baby doll!

I miss you so much. We ALL miss you so much.

I love you!


This day has been on my mind for months. 

My phone vibrated at the Bears game yesterday.  I was waiting for a friend to get there so I expected it to be him calling (at&t cell phone service @ soldier field blows btw …. what do they expect people to do if there’s an emergency???).  When I looked down at my phone instead of it being my friend it was a reminder for today’s event.  I actually received that same message sometime during the week but I dismissed it and it just happened to reappear yesterday.


Finding the time to write more today … IMPOSSIBLE!  Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to write at least some of what I intended to.

A planned chi tung (awesome chinese & her fav) dinner with fam turned into like 20+ close friends who happened to call and were able to come out.  It was 100% impromptu.  I love you guys! 

We went to mass this morning.  The mass that was ‘supposed’ to be for Cari.  They offered it for some other guy.  Not sure what the deal with that was.  Especially when some of our lil family members presented the gifts.  So the church obviously knew and acknowledged her but for some reason decided not to say their name … so they get a big WTF!

As I walked to the church with C in hand, a man who was a few steps ahead decided to turn and chat with me.  He seemed genuine.  He offered a kind comment about my parenting skills with my son; me being a male i guess reminded him of some things members of his fam have experienced. 

I don’t normally drop our loss onto random people.  Actually hardly ever because for one it hurts to talk about it and two I don’t usually want to address their response.  But for some reason I came right out and told him.  I could see it on his face.  The reaction that basically said … holy f@#$ (those are my words of course).  So we chatted for a bit more before entering the church.  He was very nice.  I guess during church he noticed a number of people around me and figured we were together because we were passing C around.  Before I even left the pew he came up to me and offered some more words and a little something for C.  He didn’t realize that I had E too.  When I told him that I think his heart dropped even more.  It took us the usual extra minutes to get back to the car.  I told the fam about this man and they were seriously impressed.  They actually asked about him first … who was that guy … and were absolutely amazed.  On a day when we’re all at an emotional low, it was very nice to have this small experience.

When I left I really hoped to catch him one last time to maybe give him one of our bracelets.  Fortunately he found me.  He pulled up in front of me and stopped to talk.  He even offered something else for E this time.  We spoke for a number of minutes.  It was a very nice conversation despite the topic.  He offered breakfast which I had to decline but seemed very sincere about me contacting him sometime in the future to talk more.

It’s not every day or every week, month or year when you meet someone who will probably leave a lasting impression.  This person did.  It’s so crazy to think that I ran into this man, who just happened to go to chruch this day, and he decided to talk to me, I happened to bring up Cari, and in turn many kind words were exchanged.  Makes you think … makes me think anyways.

…more to come (I’m TIRED) … so forgive any bad grammer up there

OMG I was so tired when I took a break there.  You think I would have went to bed at a normal hour while the kids were at the inlaws … Nope!

Cari enjoyed her b-day’s.  We enjoyed them.  They slowed down a little these past 3 years considering she was pregnant for 2 of them.  Before that we would get crazy in the city … crazy!  I think at least 3 b-days in a row were probably the most fun anyone with us had all year long.  She was so much fun and we made sure her b-day was exactly that.

I didn’t remember until another friend reminded me yesterday but we did spend one b-day in vegas.  Oh, vegas!  Way too much fun.  Those friends btw, a nice story, were a couple that Cari met while traveling in Europe after she graduated college.  A great example of how people were just drawn to her and how she made sure she kept in touch with people even when they lived thousands of miles away.  We met them in Vegas, went to their wedding, and saw them again when we stayed in L.A. for the day before we headed to the south pacific. 

…okay, another break … more to come later

So … b-day’s.  I haven’t thought a little about b-day’s past throughout the day … bordo’s, the surprise party, clybar to name a few of the crazier times.  Too many stories … and I don’t feel like censoring them so we’re not even going to get into it.  The pictures I have can describe ’em for me.

I’m in the office today a just had a conversation with the DLC.  He as well as many others have been very kind.  He certainly didn’t need to sit down with me today but he did.  He just wanted to know how everything was and to say how admirable my strength is.  Strength as always is a tough word to digest.  It’s not how I see it but how many others do.  I do, however, appreciate the sentiment.  And then I had another conversation with the DQC (I think) … anyways, I believe he’s a very religious individual.  So I told him the story of the man at church.  In many more words he referred to him as a possible Angel.  It sent chills through my body.

… messages from friends … notes sent to me throughout the day yesterday

BT – Hey matt, I just wanted to write you because I’m a little upset right now. Its now a little passed midnight, which makes it December 14th, Cari’s birthday. I try not to cry but I cant help it. I figured I’d write to you and it would probably make me feel better. Usually when I start to get upset and think about her..I lay in my bed and talk to her. I know it probably sounds silly but I like to believe she’s actually sitting there listening. Whenever I had boy troubles, school troubles, or anything…I’d always call her. She always made me feel better. She always told me “Just dont worry about it [B], he is no good anyways!” or she woulds say something like “Hey, what did i tell is school, it’s not going to be the easiest thing but i can promise ya it will be ok!” she always helped me, she was kind of like the big sister i never had. I  miss her so much Matt..I was debating if i should send this or not because i didnt want you to start getting upset..but i wanted to talk to you about it. I really want to meet up soon! so lets make a date to have lunch. I will be visiting her stone after school, im not sure where it is in the cemetary because i havent had the courage to go yet…but i am tomorrow and ill ask the directory where it is. But It’s late so I’m going to head to bed..Goodnight Matt I’ll talk to you soon

RK – For some moments in life there are no words.  ~David Seltzer … Thinking about you and the kids today…

NB – I think about you guys often and hope that you’re doing well.  I know today is Cari’s birthday and she’s been on my mind a lot lately.  [R] and I were reminiscing about the time we met you two in Vegas for her birthday.  That was so fun!

AS – I know you are probably getting a million emails…but I wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t acknowledge today. I am definitley thinking of you guys!!!

CK – I am sure today is a very difficult day for you being Cari’s birthday! I just wanted to send you an email and let you know that I am thinking of you and your beautiful kids! If you have time, please send me your address…I would like to send a Christmas card. Always remember you are doing a fantastic job! I read your posts often and think it is a great coping skill for you.  I really think you are doing AWESOME. Keep your head held high because Cari is very proud of you! I can promise you that. It is refreshing to read how well the kids are doing and how much you love them! God Bless and Happy Birthday Cari!

KG – Thinking about u today

MH – You guys will be in my thoughts

BF – Thinking about you.

AN – I know this day is no more difficult than any other that has passed for the last few months – I just want to let u know ur always in my thoughts and I admire ur strength and drive w/E & C.  Ur the best Dad!!!

AC – Thinking about you guys

SG – Thinking of you ((hugs))

CB – It was so nice to see everyone yesterday and celebrate Cari’s birthday and the story you told was really endearing… So I shared this with [Cari’s mom] today and thought I’d tell you too… So last night when E was doing my hair (um she’s great hair dresser btw).  Anyway, at some point E looked up to the upstairs and asked “Is someone up there?”  She said it a few times then looked at me and asked… Then looked again upstairs.  (This was when C was sleeping still before he woke up.  Anyway, I guess maybe for a moment I sorta thought Cari was there with everyone… Though I am sure she was either way.  Bascially [Cari’s mom] said she had wished that Cari would come to her somehow and I think that maybe she does in some ways.  I don’t know just thought I’d share that with you.


And of course a number of phone calls were received too …. THANK YOU!

I miss u so much …


Monday is Cari’s birthday.  Another reminder…

Today some friends visited.  E had fun playing with them.  The first thing she asked was if they can play playdoe.  I think she’s been waiting for them to come over for a while.  It’s the first time she’s taken it out in a while but one of the first things she asked.

December can’t get over quick enough.  It’s like -20 degrees with the wind chill.  Hopefully this isn’t the norm this winter.  I can def do without these freezing temps

My tongue hurts.  Weird comment, I know.  I couldn’t figure out why.  Then I just went and licked another 150+ christmas envelops.  As soon as I started I realized why … the day before I licked some 100 other envelops.  About 250 cards sent or ready to go.  I need to go make some more cards because I still have more to send.  I’m crazy.

I have plenty of christmas shopping left to do.  I’ve went out twice but it’s not nearly enough.  I need to complete the kids.  I should be doing it now but I wanted to write something quick since I”ve been slacking a lot.  I think december is just too busy a month.

That pesty shadow

Recently I was informed that E doesn’t like that person who follows her around.  She happened to be referring to her shadow.  I don’t know whether to laugh or be concerned. 

On top of that she’s woken up during the night just about every day this past week.  A couple times it was because she went potty but the rest were for some unknown reason.  One night it was more of a scream than a cry.  It scared the shit out of me.  Normal?  Maybe.  I guess it could just be her imagination or dreams.  But is it more???

Of course I’m constantly concerned about how they/we are handling all this.  She is more and more aware each and every day.  Something traumatic happened to her just over 6 months ago.  Are these things at night related???  I wish I knew.  I wish I knew how to protect her from everything around her.