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February, 2010:

What “I” need

… for absolutely everything to be exactly the same as it was before

9

I haven’t written much lately ūüôĀ¬†

9 months today.  YUCK! 

A benefit for the kids last night, completely organized by a local family, was a nice success.¬† They brought recognition to us and raised funds for the kids.¬† I was pleased by the turnout.¬† I would have liked to see additional publicity, especially in La Grange, but I can’t complain.¬† They created t-shirts with Cari’s name on it and fliers to promote the event.¬† Everyone involved wore one of our wristbands.¬† I don’t know if I gave them 100 or 200 but they used all but a handful.¬† What an awesome show of support for our family and the significance of our loss.

I received a package yesterday but didn’t open it until this morning…

IMG_0264_1  IMG_0265_1

It brought some tears.  A very thoughtful gift.

I decided to work on a small project recently.¬† I wanted to do it around christmas time and then before valentines day but I just couldn’t find the time.¬† I bought some wood letters from a craft store intending to spell out merry christmas mommy, displaying it along the street in the location she was taken from us.¬† But christmas passed and unfortunately so did v-day but I realized that with those letters I could also spell out we miss mommy.¬† So I tried to be a little crafty, painted the letters, attached them together with some other materials from the craft store and put it up on the tree yesterday afternoon.¬† (I should probably get a picture).¬† Unfortunately while I was putting it up I broke the WE.¬† At least it broke then instead of some day down the road.¬† So I removed the we and left ‘miss mommy’.¬† It seems to still work.¬† Maybe one day in the future I’ll change it up a bit.¬† But for now the tree is affixed with bouquets of flowers, some pictures & notes, and now this message.

The village president of La Grange continues to put little emphasis on public safety.  A recent board meeting reiterated not only her lack of interest in the issue but her unfortunate opinion that the citizens within the community are incapable and that the skill set of her staff far outperform anything a passionate citizen can do Рhttp://everythinglagrange.typepad.com/the_daily/2010/02/residents-not-qualified-to-evaluate-village-policies-regarding-traffic-pedestrian-safety-asperger-sa.html

1 year ago today we had a 1-month old baby boy and were trying to figure out how to care for two little ones.  Never would I have imagined being here today.

Yesterday someone else reached out to me.¬† A childhood friend of Cari’s.¬† A friendship that had gone in different directions because of high school & college.¬† But a bond that had the potential of becoming something strong again, even after so many years apart.¬† “She truly was one of my best friends.¬† We lost touch for a while when she switched high-schools and we spoke occasionally throughout high-school and college.¬† I deeply regret the time that we lost.¬† But when we got back in contact with each other, it was like nothing had changed and time had not passed.¬† I cannot tell you the joy I found in an old friend, the old Cari, as well as the joy I found in getting to know the new part of Cari (the role she had as a wife and Mom).¬† We had both taken on these roles and it was great to share the experiences and our new lives with each other.¬† The great part about it was that we just picked up where we left off as if the time had not passed!¬† I was so truly excited, touched, and blessed to have her back in my life!”

Damn!¬† It’s hard to read that.¬† I hope she doesn’t mind me including that here.¬† It’s just really touching and I didn’t want to lose track of it.

As for me … I’m trying to make it to the gym as often as possible and it’s been 7 full days since having a drink of pop … not a lent thing or anything just my decision that I need to give up one form of caffine.¬† I really wanted to have a coke today.

Seriously Depressed or Majorly Overwhelmed?

Sad, sure.¬† Depressed, I don’t know.

Overwhelmed, absolutely.

Someone told me today I looked like I was both.¬† I must really look like shit! :{¬† She was trying to be honest.¬† I wasn’t asking for her opinion or any comments at all but she’s one who has experienced loss and someone who I have been relatively open with, so I let her talk.¬† I responded in a manner similar to how I started off this post.¬† My loss is devastating.¬† My daughter asks all the time when is Mommy coming home.¬† That’s TOUGH … IMPOSSIBLE!¬† But I don’t see myself as being seriously depressed, just sad.¬† Wouldn’t you be if you lost your best friend and so much more???Overwhelmed, however,¬†Yes!¬† Regardless of the amount of help that is or isn’t around me, nothing is there to truly fill this gaping hole.

On an entirely different note … entirely!¬† My boss’s boss was fired yesterday.¬† Wow! ¬†Relieved of his duties, Fired, Canned, however you want to describe it.¬† The media definitely had their way with words.¬† Going to the extent of saying he had to be escorted out of the building (that wouldn’t surprise me actually).¬† When someone with the title of Director is let go I’m sure it’s something serious.¬† Cari would have loved that news.¬† I bitched to her plenty of times about this guy.¬† He was a pain in the ass to work with/for but he knew the business, was passionate about it, and pretty damn good at what he did.¬† The organization now has to somehow fill the hole THEY created.¬† They’ve done this before elsewhere in the organization.¬†¬†An organization is not going to succeed if they fire or let go of their¬†most talented people. ¬†It’s a pretty public company and he’s a pretty public figure.¬† The comments¬†to the stories online all blast the organization for what they did and what they’re continuing to do.¬† I knew he would leave eventually.¬† Move into a higher up position.¬†¬†But I was pretty amazed it happened like this.¬† I actually heard about it on the AM news this morning as I drove into the office.¬† Nevertheless, Cari and I would have been talking about this all day.¬† What this means for me and my career …. ????¬† Things are definitely going to change!

An Earthquake??!!!

I’m used to being woken in the middle of the night.¬† But not to a house that’s shaking.¬†

What is it?  Am I dreaming.  Are the kids alright?  Is it something in the house?  The furnace?  What do I do?  WTF!  What time is it?

I’m still kind of shaken by it.¬†

It’s a first.¬† I’ve never experienced one before.¬† And in Illinois you don’t expect to.¬†

So I still don’t know what’s going on … if it¬†wasn’t an earthquake what was it?¬† An explosion?¬† Did something hit the house?¬† Shit, I don’t need this.

There’s a quarry not too far away so whenever they blast some dynamite the house does shake a little.¬† But it’s like 4am so that can’t be the case.¬† However, maybe the reason the house shook so much is due to the proximity to the quarry.¬† And it felt so real.¬† I stood on the floor and everything seemed to move.¬† The room is dark except for the hall light so I can’t see too much.

I can do without that again.

I have to say, I did question my sanity for a bit this morning.¬† I’m the only one who woke.¬† My kids wouldn’t be able to tell me anything about what they experienced and the dog didn’t move.¬† It certainly could have been all in my head …

Another b-day, the day after

I’m finding it pretty hard to keep from being sad today.¬† I miss her more than ever.

E asks multiple times a week when is mommy going to come home.¬† I just don’t have a good answer.¬† I don’t have an answer that she really understands.

I had friends over for a kids b-day party last night.¬† It was as far from normal as it could possibly be.¬† As much as I wanted to have people over I also didn’t want to.¬† I didn’t want the reminder¬† of what we no longer have.¬† There was an obvious brightness missing from the room.¬† A life, literally and figuratively, that wasn’t present.

Today’s isn’t a happy day for me