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Happy Birthday to our Angel

My daughter really wants mommy to come down from heaven today to blow out her birthday candles

When we go out to dinner tonight I think she expects her to be there

I kept myself busy most of the day to, I suppose, avoid the topic.  In doing so my client may have gotten me sick; either that or the food we had for lunch.  My stomach feels twisted.  I don’t think it’s so much the day as something else.  Of course the day could complicate just about anything

Not sure what to say here … at a loss for words

Mass this morning, dinner with family and a few friends in a couple hours

Doesn’t really change anything, make anything better, eliminate the real issue … anything

Addressing the needs of these little ones, their grief milestones (if that’s what we call them), the understanding or lack of understanding due to their age … the questions of why isn’t mommy here, where is she, when is she coming home, is she going to be there tonight, i miss mommy … they should simply not have to ask those questions EVER

Dinner … didn’t really change anything.  Did it make things more difficult?  Maybe.  Other things happened today too.  As if today for some reason should have been called “crap on us day”.  I don’t know, maybe not that bad but …

Overwhelmed.  Is that how I’m feeling?  I’ve been trying to work to pay the bills but things are tight.  If I could just eliminate some things I think it would be a big weight off my shoulders.  Maybe that would clear things up.  It’s kind of like I’m being pulled in all directions and I just want things to be normal.  I know they can’t be back to normal but I don’t think I’m asking for a lot here.  Just some sort of normalcy

I am really glad we had the handful of people with us tonight at dinner.  Next time we do something like that though I am going to make it adults only, at a bar, where we can talk and drink and just try to have fun.  I kind of felt like I was in this fog tonight.  Like I was just going through the motions.  It wasn’t all that therapeutic.  Kind of a blur.  Like we were doing something we thought we had to do, maybe we actually had to do it, but something was missing … she was missing

I need a vacation … from life … on a beach, somewhere warm … but i’m not quite sure that’s totally accurate because I would just be thinking about the kids the entire time

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