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What should have been …

… our 5th anniversary.  tomorrow

it’s absolutely impossible to believe this is where i’m at

10 years ago (the fall of 2000) … did I know this was the girl that i would eventually ask to marry me then to be blessed with two amazing children … two of the most beautiful, intelligent, fascinating, happy, innocent people in the world … they are what keeps me going … but never in my worst dreams did i think we would have to deal with this

what would things be like today had that day never happened???  i have no idea, i can only guess.  things would be different, for sure … more specifically, our memories, our future, would be different.  i’ve said it b4 but i’m sure my job would be different.  we would most definitely have baby #3 on the way.  a big family was all she wanted.  would we still be living here?? probably.   so many small things would be different.  the big picture wouldn’t … we would be happy, married, totally in love … worried about little, loving our life, our friends, our family … looking forward to all that is going to come.  i can’t say we’re not doing some of those things today, but “WE” would be doing those things and the “WE” is what will never b the same

really, it’s so impossibly difficult to image …

things are just different now.  tomorrow will be another day, another should-have-been milestone for us … 5 years of marriage.  undoubtedly we would have planned a vacation … some time away … something that i desire today but just haven’t been able to put focus on … one of those things (vacationing) that made us who we were together

instead, we’re here. the other day E, while we were putting up valentines decorations (the xmas ones couldn’t come down soon enough), said to me, after seeing a picture on the wall, i remember swimming in the pool with Mommy.  she said this while putting those decorations on our china cabinet which also houses the urn.  the box that i one time explained as where all her memories of mommy are held in case she forgets them. she turned to me after saying she remembered that day and asked if that memory was in the box. 

today she spent the day at grandma’s.  the day, however, started out a little chaotic with a dysfunctional carbon monoxide detector … which prompted me to quickly bundle up the kids and throw them in the car because I didn’t have the capacity to figure out if the alarm was real or just telling us it wasn’t working.  it sounded like it needed a battery change so i changed them twice and when that didn’t stop the beeping … well, you can’t smell that stuff so it was time to go.  i replaced the device and all seems fine now … phew!  anyways, when i picked them up from GC’s she seemed to be in much better a mood than she’s been these past few weeks.  she didn’t even ask to go to GS’s all day.  that’s a small weight off my shoulders.  i want my little girl to be back to her usual self

i’m not going to make any sort of deal out of tomorrow, for her sake anyways.  it will just be another day on my calendar

nye this past weekend was fun.  i didn’t think it would be but it was.  i think it proved to me that i still need to live, to do things for myself.  i think it also proved that my situation is so very unique and the nature of it isn’t easy for people to grasp.  the topic is unexpected and tough to mention (or not mention) … i guess it’s just one of those things that i’ll have to figure out for myself

happy anniversary baby doll

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