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beyond busy

one day maybe i’ll be able to say i had a day or week that wasn’t busy.  i don’t see that happening for a while

i’m going to PT for my back and one of the therapists asked how my day was going, I said busy … if he only knew.  one day I’ll be able to say I’m not busy, right?

a couple people have asked or commented or suggested that i seem to be ignoring them.  the way i see it, if i had time to respond i would.  i just don’t

today I went to meet the kids at my SIL’s volleyball game.  the school is kind of on the far southwest side of the city.  6 blocks from where the women lives that killed cari.  i’ve never been over there.  when i looked up the location of the school my heart sank.  shit!  i really don’t want to drive over there.  i know the address.  i wish i didn’t.  i didn’t say anything to the family about her living in the area.  i figured it would only bring up anger.  on top of that … the game was at a catholic middle school gym.  the gym looked new and has a bunch of tiles on the floor and wall with names of parishioners.  guess whose name is on one of the tiles.  i could have vomited.  it was so hard to not say anything to the family.  it’s one thing to mention cari but an entirely other thing to mention the person who took her from us, especially among family.  so there it was … thrown right in my face.  it f’ing sucked

over the weekend i had to move a washer / dryer to my 2-flat.  as we’re doing it i move the washer and find a dime.  and then i come down the stairs (after going down those stairs about a dozen times that morning) and there are two more dimes.  where else … i know there was somewhere else.  i hate her not being her.  i sat at the table this afternoon to do some work and there she is in our pictures on the wall.  it’s like that part of our life just froze in an instant.  i miss so much of it.  there’s simply no way to replace what we lost, especially what the kids have lost

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