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Pix & Stuff

I didn’t go with the intention to get christmas card ready pictures.  I needed some 9 month (well 10 month) pictures of lil guy.  Yes, I’m a little behind.  10 months?  Happy 10 months C.  I love the hair (can I borrow some??)



I don’t really feel like writing.  Yesterday was tough.  No sessions with the grief counselor til next week (a 3 week hiatus).  Hopefully I can handle it 😉  Usually I think I just need to cancel those damn things because they seem to hurt more than help.  But maybe I do benefit from them.

Nov – Jan.  I’m not looking forward to this stretch of days.  The holiday’s of course.  Her b-day.  Our anniversary.  It’s been 6 months+.  C’s b-day and then E’s. 

I’m not sure when to find the time to grieve.  That shit jumps up on me when I don’t expect it and when I don’t want it.  But the holidays … they’re just going to force it on me.

Like the game on Sunday.  I wasn’t going to go.  The Bears just SUCK!  But I went.  It was either that or let the tickets burn a hole in my desk drawer.  I wasn’t going to do that again.  I found a friend to go.  So I went.  But besides the lengthy conversation I had with him about all that shit (good/healthy conversations I think), a friend of another guy offered his condolences and described how he lost a very young child.  Of course I felt sorry for him but other deaths DO NOT help me.  It certainly is unfortunate for him.  But it’s not the same.  Not in my mind.  Am I selfish.   I know you feel bad but I don’t have the capacity to feel bad for you too.

So then there’s my MIL.  She’s great.  But she often lets me know about all the death-related stories on the news.  I don’t want to know!  Sometimes I’ll read them if it’s on my own accord but when I’m picking up the kids it doesn’t mean I need to be updated with every unfortunate death that just occurred.  By the way, if you’re not paying attention … good people are killed every day.  They don’t die … some jackass fuck out there doesn’t pay attention to what they’re doing and takes the life of someone innocent. 

This post just got a little angry … oops!  But if I don’t have my wife with me to bitch about things then I’m going to bitch here. 

Sometimes, and more than not, people just suck.  They don’t give a shit about anything but themselves.  They don’t care.  They are more worried about getting somewhere 2 seconds quicker.  Talking on the cell or worse yet, texting.  They are pissed off at the world.  They are aweful  people.  And there’s a LOT of them out there.  I’m sure there’s at least one of them here at Starbucks with me right now. 

Yikes … still a little angry … oh well. 

So maybe I do have the desire to write today … something anyways.

I wish it was warm.  I wish we lived in a climate where I could wear shorts all year round.  Where I could go for a run, walk, or bike ride whenever I wanted.  The gym is a bore.  The weather depressing.  I suppose I could just pack up and move.  But the shit here is hard enough and we have a lot of people around us.  There’s no where I could go and still have this kind of support around me, not outside the state anyways.  Sometimes I wish these other widow(er)s lived right here near me.  On the same block.  They all have a heap load of crap to deal with.  Often times similar too.  Each dealing in their own way but just about everything kid-related seems similar. 

My house.  A tornado goes through it every day.  I have piles of crap that I won’t touch for days.  So why is that pile just sitting there.  Can I just toss it?  Or can I put it somewhere?  I’m somewhat organized but my motivation to keep up on things is near the bottom.  Why bother? 

And then there’s the sale of that place.  Will it ever happen.  I haven’t heard from my realtor in months.  JOKE!  Good thing I only signed to a short term with him.  I found it kind of funny that he at one point listed the double-wide (it’s really a house but i refer to it as that because it’s really not that much more) down the street.  I didn’t know that until after he told me.  Right then I should have said no way to him.  But I wanted to get it up on the MLS to see if anything would happen.  I added $20k to the price just to cover his expenses.  As soon as I’m done with him I’m doing it on my own.

I was really trying to get my real estate license.  Well maybe not really, just sorta trying.  I need to get back on that but again there’s that same issue of motivation.  There aren’t enough coffees or red bulls or cokes … or hours in a day to get everything done.  So every day one thing rolls over to the next and it becomes a never ending cycle.

Anyways … I suppose I should do some work.  I initially meant to just mention the kiddies here but it appears I needed to bitch for a bit too.

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