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Double D

It was a time we enjoyed together.   Decorations.  The lights and tree were more my responsibility and everything else was hers.  But we did it together.  It was fun and special.

As I write I could only imagine how many expletives would be flying out her mouth if and when she attempted to put up lights if the situation were reversed.  Probably close to as many times as I bit my tongue while going through the boxes (yes boxes … at least 6 very big ones) of christmas decorations. 

It was something we did together and very much enjoyed.  All of my desire to do any of this is completely gone.  The ONLY reason I’m doing it is for the kids.  We have personally engraved stocking holders for god sake.  How the f@#% am I supposed to deal with this.  These had better be the hardest days I ever have to deal with.  I cannot imagine dealing with anything worse.

I haven’t even gotten to more than putting up the tree.  No lights, no garland, no ornaments.  I know what’s in that box of ornaments and it’s going to take a lot of strength to open it up.  There are lights outside and a few other things around.  I don’t even know where half the shit is supposed to go.  Can I get some help here honey?

And on a totally unrelated topic, but the 2nd D in my Double D title …

How many people are actually going to entertain the possibility of divorce.  WTF!  Especially at or around 30 with young kids.  WTF!

How unfortunate they are.  Especially those who have brought children into the world.  Why did they bother in the first place?  Why are they so weak?  Do they think it will make things better for ANYONE involved?  Are they even thinking?

Every time someone mentions it I get sick to my stomach.  Just as bad as I feel when I am forced to deal with Christmas decorations by myself without the one I loved.  

I just don’t understand how people see this as an option.  I suppose there are reasons for this but for a good majority I’m certain it’s all petty immature bullshit … I guarantee it.

We had something truly special.  This never would have been an option for us.  EVER!  So why was everything we had taken from us?

One Comment

  1. kale2379 says:


    I sent you an email on the cookfamilyfund website! I just learned about Cari’s passing today as I was reading about the fundraiser on a mutual friends facebook page. I cannot even begin to think what you are going through! I read all of your posts and all the posts on…..Matt-Please know that you will continue to be an AWESOME father to those two beautiful kids and all the feelings you have are PERFECTLY normal! I know how much the two of you loved each other. She shared so many stories with me about how she wanted to get married and have kids. I met her in grad school at SXU and although we had a little falling out a few years back, I am really sad to learn she is gone! I was just trying to look her up the other day on FB too and then I learned the news today! Keep working hard with those kids, they need you and LOVE you. Cari is so proud of you and know you are a wonderful father and husband. If you ever need anything(babysitting, grocery shopping or an ear) I am here for you!

    I just really want you to know, yes, it is okay to be “selfish” like one of your posts read! Yes, it is okay to have female friendships like another said! You are not feeling or doing anything wrong! You deserve time to yourself as well and always remember that! I know that is hard sometimes with two kids, but utilize all of your resources because that is what friends and family are for!

    God Bless and Lots of Love to you and your family!

    Christina Kale
    Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need anything!

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