There’s simply not enough of it.
I do need a break. I just won’t let myself take one.
E didn’t nap today. Making tonight difficult. Thankfully I had some help. But she was ultra-cranky. I had to push her to do what I needed her to do. She’s down.
As I sit there after taking C from the bath, I think about Cari. It’s times like these where for a few seconds I let myself go down that road. The situation always seems so impossible. Completely unreal. Why? She should be here. Right here. Doing this stuff with me … the ‘this’ a loaded word … I can’t even get into all that.
He’s saying the words mamamamam. She mentions her all the time. He really doesn’t know any better. She knows there’s something wrong. She doesn’t understand completely but she knows and she misses and she needs.
Why do I keep “working”? I really should reorganize my priorities. What do I need to do for us. When am I going to nail down the plans for their b-days? Shit! b-days … i’ve got to get it done. Why is it so damn cold here. What a drag the weather is … the weather for more than 6 months of the year. Time to move? Maybe if I could sell my house.
Today was another hard day but I am so overwhelmed with everything else that it’s tough to let it sink in. A number of people contacted me in some way. I do appreciate it. It would have sucked if no one did. But they did and I appreciate it. I so wish they didn’t have to.
I’ve been meaning to get back and write more. I really wanted to write some things about NYE. But while it may help me a little it hurts just as much if not more. So like many of the other things I have probably just been avoiding it.
The Christmas decorations are down, for the most part. Boxed in new plastic boxes instead of the cardboard they use to be in. At least that’s a little something I can take off my list. Window lights, outside lights, and Christmas tree are still up but just about everything else is put away … and I even labeled the bins.
Since the kids have been down for an hour and I’m super exhausted I should probably go to bed. I usually proof read these things but I don’t really feel up to it tonight…maybe tomorrow.