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Missing Her

I had a crappy dream Friday where Cari and I were arguing about something.  I’ve had similar dreams before.  I’m guessing I know why I have them.  Perhaps I should be happy that at least I dream about her.  But they’re are just so intense that it really throws off my day. 

The feelings are so real, so painful.  Sometimes they aren’t so unnerving, they’re actually nice,but I would have to say that the most recent ones are less than ideal … involving some sort of fight or argument … some sort of unresolvable situation.

Saturday I went out with a friend in the city.  She has her own issues and it seems like she thinks it’s okay to lay them on me because in some small way there’s a commonality.  She certainly means well and all that and I’m not bitching here, just saying…her issues are just different.  The only similarity is that she also has two small children and is raising them on her own.  Everything else is different.

Anyways, I took her to the city.  Saw m&j at north ave beach for a while.  It was like we went to south beach or something … half naked people everywhere.  I’m going to need to go back there again soon 🙂 

Then we went to dinner and to retro on roscoe for a bit. 

The restaurant I decided to go to has been weighing on my shoulders for a while.  It was ‘our’ favorite restaurant, so going there without her was very awkward.  I kept telling myself that I didn’t want to go back.  But the food is just oh-so-good and going back was just a matter of time. 

After I ordered and my dish came I was so pissed I ordered the wrong thing.  I meant to order her favorite but picked the wrong one … even though the one I ordered was really really really good I still wanted to order her fav.  I guess I’ll just have to go back again.

My friend wasn’t all that impressed even though she did like my meal.  She’s just not a city person like we were, or cultured or whatever you want to call it. 

Then we went to retro on roscoe.  It was SO humid out.  I was a sweaty mess.  Then it hit me, like a brick wall.  That same sensation I’ve felt so many times.  The realization of what I lost.

That’s why it sucks going back to things like that.  I’m standing there.  Missing her so much.  Seeing tons of other people having so much fun together.  None of our friends are there because maybe we lost a bit of that group-togetherness thing we had before.  But, knowing we would be right there with them all.  Knowing that it’s completely different now.  Realizing that this isn’t going to get better any time soon.  Feeling like I lost such a significant part of me that just won’t ever be there again.  That is such an undesirable feeling.  It sucks.

Maybe I just need to break out of this shell.  Maybe I just need a major life change.  Not the change that was forced upon me but something else.  A change of job, of where I live … something.  Something major to get me out of this funk.  To help make things better…if that’s even possible

Perhaps the dream (nightmare) the night before didn’t help … AT ALL.  But still, this isn’t a new feeling and I’m pretty sure I’m going to feel it again

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