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The past few days …

It started Wed night, my birthday, and continued through today

Today topped them all

“I want Mommy to come back from Heaven”
“When I’m older am I going to Heaven?”

Those are just a couple of the things she said to me, completely out of the blue, on the way to our friends house tonight.  I have NO idea how to answer them.  No idea what she understands.  No idea what to say.  But then as usual the question turns into, “Daddy, why are you crying?”

Later in the evening her eyes were watering from allergies and I swear she told one of our friends that they were tears for Mommy.  I didn’t even dare ask her to repeat what she said.

My heart just breaks

Then this morning …

The kids stayed at Grandma’s last night.  The weather finally cooled down today so I went for a jog before I did some “work”. 

I ran that same path.  Straight down 8th to where the accident happened. 

I stopped there like usual and cleaned up the flowers that had blown around.  I really need to get back soon and add more. 

The run always forces me to think.  This morning it was about that lady.  WTF could she have been doing to not see a grown woman, a stroller and a dog in the street.  I meant to e-mail the lawyers with some specific questions I thought of during my run but time just got away from me.  All I want are real answers.  No bull shit.  No lies.  Just admittance.  You know that lady never bothered to even apologize.  Not once.  Will she seek out our forgiveness?  I sure as hell hope not.

A neighbor appearantly saw me tending to the flowers because he decided to get in his car and catch up with me on my way back home.  I turned to see this mini-van pull up beside me in the road.  I’m like man I hope this guy isn’t stopping for me because if he is I just know exactly what this is going to be about.  Of course that’s what he was doing.  Now I don’t mind it.  I’m positive he was only doing it out of genuine concern.  But even though the only thing on my mind at that particular moment was everything about that very same topic it did made me cry.

And then there was the dream I had the night of my b-day, early Thursday morning.

I woke up as if my anxiety was through the roof.  My heart pounding.  Kind of like one of those dreams where you’re about to fall but then abruptly wake up.  This one was different though

I swear I talked to her, interacted with her, but for the life of me I can’t remember the details.  She was definitely there in the dream but the timeframe was different.  It was late in the year.  For some reason I remember that because the rest just didn’t match up.

Besides her being there and all the emotions wrapped around that, the dream consisted of the idea I knew ahead of time that something very very bad was going to happen.  That I knew ahead of time the accident was going to occur.  It was so intense.  So real.  My whole day ended up a mess because of this dream.  I still feel the affects of it today.  I have no idea how fast my heart was beating but it was going crazy. 

It had been a while since I had a dream like that.  Particularly one that didn’t involve some sort of argument.  Even though I can’t quite remember the specifics and that it ended in that whole idea that I knew something bad was going to happen, it was better than ending in argument

Maybe the events of the previous day sparked the dream.  I’m not complaining.  I’ll take that dream any day

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