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All I Want For Christmas …

His list (spelled his way)

#1 – Droid with screan (screen)
#2 – Hearo (Hero) Click
#3 – See Mommy …

So I ask him to read me his list.

I have no idea what he’s written.

He lists #1 & #2, then he pauses.

He says, I know this one probably isn’t possible …

“See Mommy”

Ugh.  Sigh.  @#$% @#$%^^  @#$%^ @$$^&&*

God Dammit


I wish that was possible

I so wish this wasn’t even an issue

Poor him.  Poor her.

This shouldn’t be an issue

This wouldn’t have been an issue if that day never happened

I hate this .. and I hate the word “hate”, but I HATE THIS SO MUCH

She should be here

He shouldn’t have to even worry about these things


I love him so much.  He’s such a good, sweet, awesome little kid.

My heart breaks for them 🙁

Re-Telling our story

They have a lot of innocence

But as they get older, as we get older, that innocence fades away

I’m asked to fill out forms nearly every time we sign up for something

One section asks for the father’s information, another section the mother’s

I hers I write DECEASED … in big bold letters

When I recently went to a new Dr I had to explain things all over to this person

I had to tell my story

Not every details is easy

Sometimes the person listening to the story is even more emotional than me

That seems to happen more often than not

These forms that I fill out, I figure the instructor or teacher or whoever actually reads them

I’m always hoping they do so that they at least are aware

So that E or C doesn’t have to retell their story, like in the middle of the class or on the playground

But often that’s not the case

Those forms aren’t read

And then they’re put in a situation where they have to tell their story

For her it’s not easy

She doesn’t want to tell the story

Or at least it’s not easy for her

I thought most people already knew, that most kids already knew

But evidently they don’t

And she’s apparently faced with the question way more often than I ever thought

So we talked about this

I want her to feel okay talking about it or at least have the ability to respond to these kids or adults with an acceptable response

I don’t want her to sound defensive or feel like she’s put on the defensive

So we talked about what she can say

Simply put … “I don’t want to talk about this or I don’t feel like talking about that”

She wanted to say … “It’s none of your business” … which if that’s what she wants to say, okay with me

I think she understood though and seemed to feel better

He was also faced with this question recently, from an adult, an instructor, nonetheless …

PLEASE READ THESE FORMS THAT I FILL OUT … JESUS (and this is religious school too, pun intended)

What’s the point of us filling them out if they’re not reading them ????????

But he had a response

And he told his story

And he told me that he told his story

And he told me that his story made his teacher cry

And he told this story in front of his class (ugh)

Sigh …

But this conversation brought out in my daughter how she felt about telling her story

About how telling her story was not something she liked to do

7 years, 4 months and about 13 days later and this is where we are

This is death and grief

This is a part of our daily lives


It just sneaks up on you when you’re not expecting it

Lately I’ve had to tell my story to a few people, my “whole” story

And that always opens up some wounds

They heal up pretty easily, however

My grief is my own grief

I’m convinced it’s different for everyone

I don’t mind talking about her, ever

I mind, however, people thinking they can’t talk about her to me

You can

I also mind people thinking their way of grieving is the same as mine

It’s not

It doesn’t necessarily upset me, I just don’t want to hear your opinion of your grief

I grieve my way, and that’s what works for me

Today, however grief struck me from one of my kids

I’m not exactly certain how the topic came up

It was early morning, while we were getting ready for our first soccer game of the day

I mentioned meeting someone (theoretically) and getting married one day

He said in these exact words, “I don’t want a new mom that I have to kiss”

And his eyes began to water, his face was sad, it was real emotion


So we talked a bit about it

He also said, “I want our family to stay how it is”

And that he of course wished that Cari was here

This didn’t open any of my wounds

But it showed to me that their grief is real, it’s raw, and it’s definitely alive and present in them

Life 🙁 Sigh….

I love them so much

Otherwise …

He learned to tie his shoes, and how to tie a square knot

She decided to play the cello in the orchestra

And picture day was this week.  So CUTE!

Pics Of Us

We don’t often get pictures of the 3 of us.  Usually because I’m the one holding the camera.

I regret that.

For every 100 I take of them, there’s 1 of us.

Every now and again we’ll get a selfie, but we don’t often enough have someone else take it for us.

But this one’s a keeper 😉

Yet for some reason at this event, the past few years, we do pretty well at having our picture taken … 2015

… 2013

… 2011

Recent insomnia

One week in and already sick with something.

I caught some puke on the hand and arm.  GROSS.  Happy birthday to me


He felt way better after getting that out of his system but 4 hours later and just puked again

Poor guy

Poor me

Oh, it’s 1:11 am

1:11 or 11:11 or 1111 or any variation

I see this combination of numbers more than an other

I don’t see 2:22 or 222 or 3:33 or 333, just bunches of 1’s


I’ve read about this number sequence and there are def some crazy theories out there


I can deal with sick kids

I don’t enjoy it but I can deal with it

I knew it was something today

He fell asleep in the car, unexpectedly

He barely got off the couch

He just wasn’t himself

Hopefully this is quick and he’s ‘mostly’ better in the morning


As of late I really haven’t been able to sleep

Whatever caused my pancreas to stop working properly and my inability to tackle this issue early on really f@#$ my shit up

My nerves are shot … all over my body

So far only jumping in the show helps to calm things for a bit

Jumping in the pool or anything that might irritate my skin … it’s not a fun feeling

I want to be invincible, or at least free from this garbage

I want to be healthy and able to deal with life’s shit

I’m sort of okay with this disease.  I wish I didn’t have to deal with it but there are certainly worse things

And we are ALL going to have to deal with something

This is just mine … unfortunately … and this is what I have to live with

In time … it should and will get better

Something new might arise but we’ll face that when we get there

Just doing what I can …

Now, maybe I can get some sleep

Someone recommended hot tea … let’s go try that 😉